‘Respect’

Monday 5^th, December, 2011

At the beginning of methodology class on Saturday we reflected on what kind of teachers we feel we are; what we get from teaching; and what our teaching philosophy is. Way back at the beginning of the course, for one of our first blog entries, we were asked to explain if there was a moral dimension that informed our decisions to become teachers. At the time I was at a loss; there did not seem to be any moral decision in my becoming a teacher. It was pointed out though that choosing to leave an unfulfilling career in investments, (‘manipulating money’), for a potentially more rewarding, socially responsible and worthwhile career in teaching is actually a fundamentally moral choice.

Early on in the course we were also asked if we felt like professionals. We read Johnston’s ‘Three facets of Language Teacher Identity’ and wrote in our blogs about how we perceive ourselves and felt the institutions we work in perceive us. At the time I was adamant that I did not feel like a professional; instead I felt like an impostor and charlatan. As we reflected on Saturday I was disappointed and depressed to realize that I might still feel the same way; I couldn’t think of a firm reason for why I’m actually a teacher, moral or otherwise; and a lot of the time I still struggle to see myself as a professional. However, in recent weeks, as my lessons have improved and not been as much of an uphill struggle I have begun to feel increasingly confident in my ability to reach higher levels of professionalism.

I commenced my lessons today with these thoughts swimming in my head and the classes I taught today helped me clarify some issues. The lessons today were fantastic; I was well prepared; I had excellent activities appropriate for the TLC; the lesson followed on from the prior lesson smoothly; there was further evidence of a marked improvement in engaging the students; every minute of class was filled with some kind of MIC or CI; I had the PowerPoint supporting the whiteboard supporting me, talking and acting; I’m not using Korean; and I’m generally happier and more confident knowing I have these tools at my fingertips. For example in one class we finished early and I improvised a five minute pair work activity using the lesson TLC. Previously, I was terrified of running out of material. In a sense this helps me answer some of the questions which have previously bewildered me – it is incredibly fulfilling being able to competently and successfully fill the role of teacher. I think delivering lessons like this really does allow me to see myself as a professional; I can actually do this and, if I put the work in, I can do it quite well.

Unfortunately, this makes the disparity in how at least one of my co-teachers sees me all the more upsetting. As I said today’s classes were wonderful. By this I mean the students were wonderful. I have discussed in other blog posts and occasionally in class my deteriorating relationship with one of my co-teachers. Today this particular lady was my co-teacher for all my classes. Her attitude towards me is horrible. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do about this. During my lessons she regularly just starts chatting to students when I’m in the middle of explaining something. At one point she walked up to a student and started asking them about a novel they had on their desk! Last week I was speaking to my head co-teacher who is a lovely woman. She was telling me what will happen for the rest of the school calendar – when the exams are, what the holiday dates are etc. When my head co-teacher left the room my problematic co-teacher turned to me, literally slapped an annotated calendar down in front of me and, very angrily, told me not to ask the head co-teacher questions; if I have questions I have to ask her! Is she really telling me not to speak to my head co-teacher?

I understand there are cultural differences but I don’t think that can account for the way this lady is acting. I hate to say it but this relationship really has a detrimental effect on how I view myself as a teacher in this institution. Clearly this particular co-teacher has a problem with my role in the school. I don’t know whether I should mention the problem to my head co-teacher or if I should continue to ignore it. If I mention it to my head co-teacher I think a loss of face will be involved so I don’t want to do that. But I have been trying to ignore her attitude and it just seems to make her worse – she goes out of her way to express her anger the more I try and avoid her.

As much as I love the students here and as much as I enjoy working with my other co-teachers I think I will have to find a different job at the end of this contract. I think this is the most responsible thing to do. Hopefully, a new role in a different institution will help me develop my teaching philosophy and my professional identity. Unfortunately as much as I wish I could just remove myself from this situation immediately I am locked into my contract until the middle of next year. I wish there was something I could do to ameliorate this situation. I have to teach winter camp with this co-teacher soon which means I will be spending a lot of time with her in the near future. I am genuinely depressed by this situation.

However, I am very happy to realize that the TESOL course has helped me feel more professional and competent and has removed a lot of my self doubt.